i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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