ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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