Sry I called you an 8
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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