So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
