So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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