I wish I could teleport
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Im part way to drunk.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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