if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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