did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
