If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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