I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
