She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible