Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
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Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
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Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?