I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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