There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
