Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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