Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
