Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
