So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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