Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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