Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
it's like iHOP with fire
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
