i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Randomize
