if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
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