if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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