Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Randomize
