I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Randomize
