Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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