I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
