All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
