I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Randomize
