My liver just broke up with me...
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
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