Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
