I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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