Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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