just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
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