I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
