her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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