It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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