I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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