curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
