I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
