i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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