Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I cockslap morals
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Randomize
