oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
