at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Randomize
