You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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