Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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