No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
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