ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
It's no shave November. This is our time.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
