I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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