This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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