Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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