There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
