I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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