Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
