just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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