Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
