my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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