i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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