Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
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I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
My boob is missing a layer of skin
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I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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