My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
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