I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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