I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I need a beard to bite.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
