Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
