i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
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She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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