Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Randomize
